No activity recently. Just depression. I need to go out once more... and see the bright day sky

Breath heavy but slower than usual. Heart is heavy and hurting slowly. Mind can't think of anything else. Act I cannot because I don't know what to do. Friends, I don't think they can help. Friends, are the source of my pain. Friends, that don't want me around them.

Don't know what to do. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I am nothing. I am nothing. A nuisance. An abomination. I am a mistaken creation. Peace would become if i were to begone. But my body would rot and still be nothing to the earth as I am poison.

Still I hope and hope and hope because I can't take the heartache of being alone. My soul screams for someone to love me! Someone beautiful that my eyes would never stop staring. But a big part in my heart telling me, I'll always be alone forever...

I'm 23 and turning 24 later May. I've live a quarter time of human lives. Still I don't understand life. Are we created to live and suffer until we die? I've lived almost 24 years but I've never truly known happiness. Is happiness just a myth that is just supposed to be pursued but not reached? Is there goodness that humans lay down to this earth? Is god even real? God created everything. God created us and all the goodness, badness within us. We are suffering now in earth but we shall suffer even more after life. God created me so he created the thought in my mind to think this. But it is a sin to think like this. I've been planted the thought that I would go to hell after life. But it is still a quarter hell in my life. Seeing things that god make me wants. Trying to not want it but can't help it. Want it real bad and as I try to get, I was shot down. Dead but not dead. Crying and frustrated, I throw everything I see. I hurt everyone I love. Still knowing they don't love me. Life is pain but dying is not prohibited. The pain I feel now is more than the pain of a knife cutting through my skin and flesh.