It's been a few years already

It's been three years! I am currently working with my family with low pay but life has been balanced. It has been a blessing living this few years happy and steady, only feeling stressed and depressed for a couple of minutes out of the three years of life. I've lost friends but I gained my happiness. Although the guilt still lingers in my heart, I wish for them the best :-)

Anyways, somewhere in between these three years, I found out that google+ linked my blogger.com blogging account to my mother's phone, my friend's phone, and my younger sister's phone through their googleplay account. Well that sux since I won't be able to keep the things that I write in my blog from them. The things here are quite private. That is why, I am going to create another blog, one with a different secret name and everything taboo. Since I can't openly share my thoughts through the words that comes out of my mouth, I shall share it in through words of letters shared to the whole world to see with the help of the internet. Will I write and share in blogger after this? I guess time will tell :-)

More things that I've done: I joined and quit a role playing site. Through that website, I learned how to use my imagination and write, learning new ways to tell a story. Maybe someday, I will be able to make use of those skills.

How I ended my 2011

I went to the seaside in front of Kota Kinabalu Promenade hotel with Juann, sit and watch B-Boys break dance and watch the black sky with no fireworks :-P confirms my bad year. I even got a ticket while riding the motorcycle to the destination... well at least I enjoyed the break dance

Last Year to New Year

Well I haven't been posting things in this blog for a while.. I don't think people would want to read my post. haha ^^ this blog is kinda like an open diary of mine.. It's about what I think and sometimes what I do.. its about what I feel.. and for 2011... it has been >>

its been bad~~ real bad~~ and the bad still goes on to now~ friends.. trust... what is it all about? haha ^^ blind faith.. kinda like playing darts blindfolded..

things I wanna blog about are things that are disappointments to for me until today. And on the list is: about friend.. as I said before... the house... this topic also relate with friends..... trust... also relate with friend... untrue.... And the of myself... yes I am a big dissapointment to myself... add 1 more topic for the quitting of work.

So I guess about the house, to make it simple, I feel like an outsider and unwanted... Well.. The story: I wanted my own space without bothers from unwanted people... long story short: So me and a friend moved to a rented room with a friend and had problems with the owner then we moved to a house.. Then actually I got the feel of being a boss when I am not.. It felt great.. haha ^^ ..that was in 2010.. it was like that until mid year of 2011... I know I don't have the authority to be bossy but it felt great.. Yeah I am a bad bad person... I curse myself :-p

well anyway now I lost the privilege to roam free in the house... I feel like I need to get permission to do lots of things here.. for example, use the computer to play games or whatever... haha ^^ I had to use someone elses note book to blog :-p ...

another thing is: I had to move my stuff because the space is not mine anymore... I guess it never was mine.. I do feel like nothing is mine... probably because nothings is really mine... dido, white flag? :-p ...

New topic now.. haha ^^

So the topic now is disappointment, lost of trust, and sarcastic talking... this are all the things the very closest friend of my did... well I guess what I am blogging about isn't fair because I was being a sick selfish sonava for a long long time to him and everyone else in the world.. so sad~ .. moving on. to join disappointment, lost of trust, and sarcastic talking in to a sentence, I would say: Its a disappointment because of the sarcastic talking made the lost of trust for me to him.. sorry for the bad English.. I'm a goat. >:-3

Well.. my trust in him is getting thinner and thinner... and I know his trust in me is getting thinner and thinner also... we don't talk much now because I guess maybe because I don't talk as much to him as I used to because we have been busy with our own new friends... But then it disappoint me when he starts to talk in a sarcastic way to me... where is the talking truly and directly? ... it makes me think that he is not the person I though he was... maybe speaking truly is not the person he is... maybe he had to be truly to me before because he had to adjust himself to me... restraints.. the word fake comes up to mind.. well I guess we all are fake... I am fake too... Nothing is true? there is no truth? ... lies~~.... well then it makes it I guess because... maybe... I'm a fake sunova.. I guess.. hard to swallow the truth? hard to accept.. ?

But the last thought I had was its better to be hated for who you are than loved for that you are not... I really hate it when people don't understand me and say I stupid for doing things that I do.. and I really hate it also when people do stuff that I don't understand because I think its stupid.. sometimes I talk bad about them and start to quarrel.. but I hate it the most when people fake and lies...

It don't bother me much when strangers lie or fake.. but when my closest friend that I feel like my family talk sarcastically, or be silent, .. I loathe it... so where that family now in my heart? .. I don't know...

Hei and I quit my job in 2011.. did u know?? I didn't even reach 2 years of working.. I am so stupid. :-P such a disappointment

To hate or not to hate~

like I've past thru the zone of hating people for smoking, drinking, and watching dirty movies :-P .. I still haven't got thru the zone of hating people that lie... How did I get okey with people that smoke and drinks? ... I would go thru the same things so that I would not feel this frustrated with people that lie to me... I guess I have no real honest friend that is with me... I can't turn them to something they are not.. I guess I'll have to adjust my hate towards people that lies, into, not hate people who lies...

I am quitting work

Sebab aku berhenti kerja~ ... dalam surat letak jawatan aku letak aku semakin tidak puas hati dengan situasi kerja dan berasa tidak sesuai dalam bidang kerja dan rakan2 kerja. Cara2 menyelesaikan masalah dalam syarikat menjadi semakin susah untuk aku berasa yang aku menyumbang dengan baik kepada syarikat... Aku maw berpindah ke syarikat lain untuk merasa bidang kerja lain, situasi kerja lain, dan orang2 yang lain dan melihat jika aku bleh berkerja sama dengan durang supaya mendapat pengalaman hidup yang berharga..

itu lah serba sedikit sebab kenapa aku maw berhenti~ .. maybe masalah ni sebab aku sendiri. Aku sendiri yang terlampau ego. Ke-ego-an sendiri menyebabkan aku x dapat berkawan dengan orang-orang kerja.. Sendiri tidak dapat memanggil mereka rakan..

Aku berasa yang aku tidak dapat berkawan baik dengan mereka kerana minat yang berbeza. Aku x dapat mengikuti aliran perbincangan mereka... mereka jugak tidak dapat mengikuti perbincangan aku.. dan kemudian menjadi sepi yang janggal...

Perbincangan mereka selalunya merangkumi perbualan motosikal dan kereta, perempuan, merokok, minuman keras, dan makan tidak berbayar di kantin.. Aku berasa perkara-perkara ini tidak aku sukai dan aku tidak mahu berkomen buruk tentang berbualan yang diceritakan kerana aku tahu ia akan menimbulkan perasaan yang tidak baik..

aku cuba berbual tentang benda yang aku minat, seperti shopping, seni dan permainan komputer... tetapi perbualan ini tidak dapat mereka mengikuti.. kerana mereka tidak minat..

berbual tentang kerja.. aku tidak dapat berbual tentang kerja kerana aku berasa aku tidak pandai dalam bidang kerja ini... Aku mengambil diploma Lukisan dan rekabentuk mekanikal dengan hati yang tidak minat. Aku terpaksa melepasi cita-cita ku yang mendalam terhadap seni dan mengambil sesuatu kerana terpaksa. Kemudian aku mendapat kerja technician yang bukan dicari oleh aku tetapi didapatkan oleh ipar ku melalui kenalannya. Kerja yang lari dari bidang yang aku belajar sewaktu diploma...

Aku cuba menceritakan kepada bos ku di tempat kerja. Tetapi nampaknya dia lebih suka bercerita pendapat dan kesimpulan yang dia pikirkan sendiri tanpa mendengar cerita orang dahulu. Cerita yang dia ceritakan kepada diri sendiri tanpa mendengar apakah cerita ku. Cerita yang sudah berkali-kali aku dengar daripada orang yang sudah mendapat tempat dan kerja yang selesa dalam hidupnya. Cerita daripada orang yang tidak melalui hidup yang aku lalui.. cerita orang yang tidak memahami..

kemungkinan jugak cerita mereka betul dan masalah itu adalah berpunca dari diri ku sendiri ini. Kemungkinan betullah cerita mereka yang aku ini tidak berguna....

sebab ini jugak aku mahu berhenti kerja. Aku mahu kepastian tentang ini. Adakah punca aku tidak dapat bergaul dan berkerja dengan baik adalah sebab aku ataupun kerana memang kerja dan orang-orang situ tidak sesuai dengan aku. Aku mahu cuba mencari pengalaman hidup lagi.

Sunrise on me

So the sun is rising... the sun is shining.. its shining towards me.. will it burn me? or will it keep me warm? will it keep the cold away? we'll see~ good morning sun :-)

Confront your problems atau menghadapi masalah anda

Confronting your problems... bagi aku.. masalah perlu dihadapi.. bukan di simpan di dalam lubuk hati dan memakan diri sendiri.. makan hati... berasa tidak puas hati tentang seseorang.. berdiam diri... makan hati... aku rasa kita perlu sedar apakah masalah kita, dan menghadapi.. mungkin dengan kekerasan.. tetapi lebih baik dengan bersuara.. kata-kata yang membawak banyak makna.....

Masalah yang disimpan di dalam lubuk hati.. ditanam tanam dengan menari... tidak diselesaikan dan dicadang bawak ke mati... dan datanglah sepupu masalah tadi.. memanggil kembali masalah terkubur.. timbul laa.. timbul semua.. menanam si penanam.... dan kemudian.. mati... tetapi tidak tenang... kerana menjadi hantu tidak puas hati............. kenapa dia tidak meminta tolong? adakah kerana ego atau kebodohan? ... itu.. aku tidak tahu...