No activity recently. Just depression. I need to go out once more... and see the bright day sky

Breath heavy but slower than usual. Heart is heavy and hurting slowly. Mind can't think of anything else. Act I cannot because I don't know what to do. Friends, I don't think they can help. Friends, are the source of my pain. Friends, that don't want me around them.

Don't know what to do. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I am nothing. I am nothing. A nuisance. An abomination. I am a mistaken creation. Peace would become if i were to begone. But my body would rot and still be nothing to the earth as I am poison.

Still I hope and hope and hope because I can't take the heartache of being alone. My soul screams for someone to love me! Someone beautiful that my eyes would never stop staring. But a big part in my heart telling me, I'll always be alone forever...

I'm 23 and turning 24 later May. I've live a quarter time of human lives. Still I don't understand life. Are we created to live and suffer until we die? I've lived almost 24 years but I've never truly known happiness. Is happiness just a myth that is just supposed to be pursued but not reached? Is there goodness that humans lay down to this earth? Is god even real? God created everything. God created us and all the goodness, badness within us. We are suffering now in earth but we shall suffer even more after life. God created me so he created the thought in my mind to think this. But it is a sin to think like this. I've been planted the thought that I would go to hell after life. But it is still a quarter hell in my life. Seeing things that god make me wants. Trying to not want it but can't help it. Want it real bad and as I try to get, I was shot down. Dead but not dead. Crying and frustrated, I throw everything I see. I hurt everyone I love. Still knowing they don't love me. Life is pain but dying is not prohibited. The pain I feel now is more than the pain of a knife cutting through my skin and flesh.

Me

I blog when my emotions are at a peak. I blog when there is something I want to express or just to let something go. I write about thing that I think, things I think I know. I don't care for attentions for my blog because my blog isn't some magazine. But if you want to know me, read. Talk to me and listen. Look me in the eyes. But just so you know, I don't want a fake friend. I'm just looking for something true.

From the bottom of my mind and heart, I put down these words...

different questions but different answers

I don't remember the first "different" answers that I got from another person.

But I do remember this questions and answers.

The question started of like this: I asked
"From the book of driving instructions : what is the A, B, C, D's answer. Was A to go left first or was it to slow down first?"

Answer I got from another person:
"You gotta watch your right, if there is no car, go for it"

yes it's annoying.

But then another day I tried asking him again bout the road. I wanted to take another road because the road we used to was jammed.

So I asked him: "could we take this road on the left to past thru the road in front of us?"

Answer: "nope"

but I went and took the road anyways and it did got thru to the road.

the person explains: "I thought you wanted to go thru the shops"

Started that day, my mind modify and adjust to not trying to ask him questions.

I will try to remember

So I'm just supposed to listen and say nothing?

"People don't change. They modify. They change."

So I guess I am going to try and modify and adjust. Everything comment you give: I'm going to say nothing because I'm not going to listen. Every question you ask I'm going to say: I don't know or don't care.

I'm going to try and remember not to ask any questions to you because you certainly can't think right.

Your use of words are wrong and I don't know if u care.

You make people lose their way and I don't know if u care.

But I guess you are only human. I am only human. We all are only human.

I may be asking for a lot of things but I wish I didn't. I am weak and in need of help but I'll modify and adjust. At least I'll try.

I will try to remember

Minda terisi dengan ego dan kebodohan.

berfikir "lagi senang untuk aku tidak memberitahu perkara sebenar".

Dalam pemikirannya "aku memang la baik dan bagus. Aku layak untuk tidak memberitahu perkara sebenar dan mengisi minda orang-orang lain dengan informasi yang salah. Biarlah dia sesat, asalkan aku senang"..

Otak yang penuh dengan 'pride' dan 'stupidity'.

Dia terlalu ego untuk mengaku. Tidak mengaku dirinya sendiri adalah manusia. Dia sanggup melakukan apa saja untuk membuktikan dirinya yang tipu itu. Hidup dalam penipuan yang diceritakan oleh diri sendiri. Penipuan yang didirikan oleh dirinya sendiri.