To hate or not to hate~

like I've past thru the zone of hating people for smoking, drinking, and watching dirty movies :-P .. I still haven't got thru the zone of hating people that lie... How did I get okey with people that smoke and drinks? ... I would go thru the same things so that I would not feel this frustrated with people that lie to me... I guess I have no real honest friend that is with me... I can't turn them to something they are not.. I guess I'll have to adjust my hate towards people that lies, into, not hate people who lies...

I am quitting work

Sebab aku berhenti kerja~ ... dalam surat letak jawatan aku letak aku semakin tidak puas hati dengan situasi kerja dan berasa tidak sesuai dalam bidang kerja dan rakan2 kerja. Cara2 menyelesaikan masalah dalam syarikat menjadi semakin susah untuk aku berasa yang aku menyumbang dengan baik kepada syarikat... Aku maw berpindah ke syarikat lain untuk merasa bidang kerja lain, situasi kerja lain, dan orang2 yang lain dan melihat jika aku bleh berkerja sama dengan durang supaya mendapat pengalaman hidup yang berharga..

itu lah serba sedikit sebab kenapa aku maw berhenti~ .. maybe masalah ni sebab aku sendiri. Aku sendiri yang terlampau ego. Ke-ego-an sendiri menyebabkan aku x dapat berkawan dengan orang-orang kerja.. Sendiri tidak dapat memanggil mereka rakan..

Aku berasa yang aku tidak dapat berkawan baik dengan mereka kerana minat yang berbeza. Aku x dapat mengikuti aliran perbincangan mereka... mereka jugak tidak dapat mengikuti perbincangan aku.. dan kemudian menjadi sepi yang janggal...

Perbincangan mereka selalunya merangkumi perbualan motosikal dan kereta, perempuan, merokok, minuman keras, dan makan tidak berbayar di kantin.. Aku berasa perkara-perkara ini tidak aku sukai dan aku tidak mahu berkomen buruk tentang berbualan yang diceritakan kerana aku tahu ia akan menimbulkan perasaan yang tidak baik..

aku cuba berbual tentang benda yang aku minat, seperti shopping, seni dan permainan komputer... tetapi perbualan ini tidak dapat mereka mengikuti.. kerana mereka tidak minat..

berbual tentang kerja.. aku tidak dapat berbual tentang kerja kerana aku berasa aku tidak pandai dalam bidang kerja ini... Aku mengambil diploma Lukisan dan rekabentuk mekanikal dengan hati yang tidak minat. Aku terpaksa melepasi cita-cita ku yang mendalam terhadap seni dan mengambil sesuatu kerana terpaksa. Kemudian aku mendapat kerja technician yang bukan dicari oleh aku tetapi didapatkan oleh ipar ku melalui kenalannya. Kerja yang lari dari bidang yang aku belajar sewaktu diploma...

Aku cuba menceritakan kepada bos ku di tempat kerja. Tetapi nampaknya dia lebih suka bercerita pendapat dan kesimpulan yang dia pikirkan sendiri tanpa mendengar cerita orang dahulu. Cerita yang dia ceritakan kepada diri sendiri tanpa mendengar apakah cerita ku. Cerita yang sudah berkali-kali aku dengar daripada orang yang sudah mendapat tempat dan kerja yang selesa dalam hidupnya. Cerita daripada orang yang tidak melalui hidup yang aku lalui.. cerita orang yang tidak memahami..

kemungkinan jugak cerita mereka betul dan masalah itu adalah berpunca dari diri ku sendiri ini. Kemungkinan betullah cerita mereka yang aku ini tidak berguna....

sebab ini jugak aku mahu berhenti kerja. Aku mahu kepastian tentang ini. Adakah punca aku tidak dapat bergaul dan berkerja dengan baik adalah sebab aku ataupun kerana memang kerja dan orang-orang situ tidak sesuai dengan aku. Aku mahu cuba mencari pengalaman hidup lagi.

Sunrise on me

So the sun is rising... the sun is shining.. its shining towards me.. will it burn me? or will it keep me warm? will it keep the cold away? we'll see~ good morning sun :-)

Confront your problems atau menghadapi masalah anda

Confronting your problems... bagi aku.. masalah perlu dihadapi.. bukan di simpan di dalam lubuk hati dan memakan diri sendiri.. makan hati... berasa tidak puas hati tentang seseorang.. berdiam diri... makan hati... aku rasa kita perlu sedar apakah masalah kita, dan menghadapi.. mungkin dengan kekerasan.. tetapi lebih baik dengan bersuara.. kata-kata yang membawak banyak makna.....

Masalah yang disimpan di dalam lubuk hati.. ditanam tanam dengan menari... tidak diselesaikan dan dicadang bawak ke mati... dan datanglah sepupu masalah tadi.. memanggil kembali masalah terkubur.. timbul laa.. timbul semua.. menanam si penanam.... dan kemudian.. mati... tetapi tidak tenang... kerana menjadi hantu tidak puas hati............. kenapa dia tidak meminta tolong? adakah kerana ego atau kebodohan? ... itu.. aku tidak tahu...

Lies atau penipuan?

Semua orang menipu di dunia nie.. Lebih kurang semua laa.. Aku x taw klu ada orang yang langsung tidak menipu d dunia nie... Aku rasa tidak ada orang yang seratus peratus jujur di dunia ini... Tapi kenapa kita menipu?.. untuk melindungi? melindungi diri sendiri dan melindungi orang lain?....

Aku cuba bercakap jujur dan tidak menipu kerana menipu bermakna kita perlu bersembunyi. Tidak bersembunyi bermakna kita perlu menghadapi semua yang dihadapkan kepada kita. Kesakitan atau kelegaan jiwa dan raga...

Menipu untuk melindungi orang lain daripada kesulitan. Atau menipu supaya orang mendapat kesulitan kerana dengki yang timbul di hati. Menipu supaya tidak perlu menghadapi kesulitan... Tetapi diri tidak dapat maju kerana kerap bersembunyi.. tetapi menipu supaya jugak tidak memusnahkan diri....

Sebelum ini aku mahu semuanya jujur.. Tetapi kini aku tahu yang menipu jugak adalah sesuatu yang perlu... Tetapi perlu menipu di waktu yang tepat dan patut.. akan ku menipu untuk melindungi diri daripada musnah dan menyakiti orang lain..

Aku tidaklah seratus peratus jujur...

tipu? .. tipu tidak akan kekal lama.. rahsia akan terbongkar akhirnya jua.. Dan apabila terbongkar, ia akan memakan diri kita.. kemungkinan lebih dari sebelumnya.. tetapi mungkin juga kurang... tetapi siapakah yang akan tercedera? diri sendiri... atau orang lain? .. dan apabila terbongkar.. hilanglah sebahagian kepercayaan orang kepada kita.. sebahagian.. ataupun semua.. Kepercayaan.. lain topic..

Aku balik-balik ponteng kerja.. Cakap: di tempat kerja tapi di sana panggung wayang, ataw rumah makan-makan, last-last kedapatan oleh bos. Aku buat dono ja la.. Trust hilang, skang aku terpaksa ulang-alik ke office untuk sign setiap 1 jam.. anthen lepas 1 jam 1 jam sign skarang ni kena tambah pulak setiap 1 jam mesti thumbprint.. awgawd.. Panas telinga dan jiwa bagagar

Another part of my life!

Sooo starting bulan lepas, for some reason I start bitching around not caring bout anything for a while. Tapi lepas tu, aku start caring back bout what is happening. Masa tu la dia menggigit balik. Naa apa kaw rasa~~~? Oren? Ramai sakit hati pasal aku, aku pun x taw maw cakap ataw buat apa utk mengcorrectkan keadaan. The good thing is I don't feel quite alone anymore. .. another bad thing: I feel like real bad person. Im a byitch!!.. But I guess it's not as bad as feeling alone in the world.. I am sorry thoooo for the people that I hurt.. And I am really-really sorry for all the money that I wasted. Akakaka X-D just kidding.. But It has been fun. ^^

Discriminate because of hate. -genderism.. why blame it on gender? Begini la dunia.. We hate, we love,... but there is nothing we humans can do. We can't even walk, can't even breath, talk, see, hear, can't even live on our own. Everything is not ours. Its only borrowed. Everything is impossible for humans. Everything is possible only for god. Hating other because you hate yourself. You can't achieve or get something because you are just incapable. You don't want to blame yourself so you blame others? why do we do that? Seeing your friends happy and you get jelous. Then you spread bad rumours just so you would feel good... Why do you get jelous for the wrong things? I am not mad or angry.. I am just confused O_O ... I pity this world. I feel sorry for everything....

Love, cinta.. Friends... It's hard to tell people that you just want to be friends. It's hard to tell people that you don't feel the same way. It's hard to stay friends when you feel the pain of heartache.. Who is strong enough? It's hard to stay thin when you eat too much!! It's hard to get a great body when you are too fucking lazy to work out! Akakaka X-D

No activity recently. Just depression. I need to go out once more... and see the bright day sky

Breath heavy but slower than usual. Heart is heavy and hurting slowly. Mind can't think of anything else. Act I cannot because I don't know what to do. Friends, I don't think they can help. Friends, are the source of my pain. Friends, that don't want me around them.

Don't know what to do. Nothing that I can say. Nothing I am nothing. I am nothing. A nuisance. An abomination. I am a mistaken creation. Peace would become if i were to begone. But my body would rot and still be nothing to the earth as I am poison.

Still I hope and hope and hope because I can't take the heartache of being alone. My soul screams for someone to love me! Someone beautiful that my eyes would never stop staring. But a big part in my heart telling me, I'll always be alone forever...

I'm 23 and turning 24 later May. I've live a quarter time of human lives. Still I don't understand life. Are we created to live and suffer until we die? I've lived almost 24 years but I've never truly known happiness. Is happiness just a myth that is just supposed to be pursued but not reached? Is there goodness that humans lay down to this earth? Is god even real? God created everything. God created us and all the goodness, badness within us. We are suffering now in earth but we shall suffer even more after life. God created me so he created the thought in my mind to think this. But it is a sin to think like this. I've been planted the thought that I would go to hell after life. But it is still a quarter hell in my life. Seeing things that god make me wants. Trying to not want it but can't help it. Want it real bad and as I try to get, I was shot down. Dead but not dead. Crying and frustrated, I throw everything I see. I hurt everyone I love. Still knowing they don't love me. Life is pain but dying is not prohibited. The pain I feel now is more than the pain of a knife cutting through my skin and flesh.

Me

I blog when my emotions are at a peak. I blog when there is something I want to express or just to let something go. I write about thing that I think, things I think I know. I don't care for attentions for my blog because my blog isn't some magazine. But if you want to know me, read. Talk to me and listen. Look me in the eyes. But just so you know, I don't want a fake friend. I'm just looking for something true.

From the bottom of my mind and heart, I put down these words...

different questions but different answers

I don't remember the first "different" answers that I got from another person.

But I do remember this questions and answers.

The question started of like this: I asked
"From the book of driving instructions : what is the A, B, C, D's answer. Was A to go left first or was it to slow down first?"

Answer I got from another person:
"You gotta watch your right, if there is no car, go for it"

yes it's annoying.

But then another day I tried asking him again bout the road. I wanted to take another road because the road we used to was jammed.

So I asked him: "could we take this road on the left to past thru the road in front of us?"

Answer: "nope"

but I went and took the road anyways and it did got thru to the road.

the person explains: "I thought you wanted to go thru the shops"

Started that day, my mind modify and adjust to not trying to ask him questions.

I will try to remember

So I'm just supposed to listen and say nothing?

"People don't change. They modify. They change."

So I guess I am going to try and modify and adjust. Everything comment you give: I'm going to say nothing because I'm not going to listen. Every question you ask I'm going to say: I don't know or don't care.

I'm going to try and remember not to ask any questions to you because you certainly can't think right.

Your use of words are wrong and I don't know if u care.

You make people lose their way and I don't know if u care.

But I guess you are only human. I am only human. We all are only human.

I may be asking for a lot of things but I wish I didn't. I am weak and in need of help but I'll modify and adjust. At least I'll try.

I will try to remember

Minda terisi dengan ego dan kebodohan.

berfikir "lagi senang untuk aku tidak memberitahu perkara sebenar".

Dalam pemikirannya "aku memang la baik dan bagus. Aku layak untuk tidak memberitahu perkara sebenar dan mengisi minda orang-orang lain dengan informasi yang salah. Biarlah dia sesat, asalkan aku senang"..

Otak yang penuh dengan 'pride' dan 'stupidity'.

Dia terlalu ego untuk mengaku. Tidak mengaku dirinya sendiri adalah manusia. Dia sanggup melakukan apa saja untuk membuktikan dirinya yang tipu itu. Hidup dalam penipuan yang diceritakan oleh diri sendiri. Penipuan yang didirikan oleh dirinya sendiri.

People I knew, changed.

I don't know how to explain this well. I do believe people don't really change but some part of them do change. Like their appearances, their hearts, their principles.

Maybe I don't understand things well so I can't explain it well.

this maybe hard to explain because I'm trying to cover things up and probably don't want to say things.

but today, I do want to say somethings. So I try and think and write

Knew a person once. Didn't have to tell me lots of things but I do understand. Didn't really have lots of problems back then. Didn't have lots of things to hide. Didn't need to hide anything. Because we didn't know.

Now time pass by and we grew. The person I knew grew and changed. The person I knew, I lost in the rushing river of time. Today I see a stranger. I see a hipokrit stranger that I see everyday. Wish I could turn time just like winding a toy.
Time that used to have no worries now is filled with hatred and annoyance. Words and acts filled with fakeness and lying silence.

when there used to be quiet silence now changed into wrong informations and stupidities.

I wanna stay in the rain

Hearing people say about the never-ending rain in Sandakan.
I'm thinking about the sunless clouded day.
Dark but there is still light.
I would stay in the rain with my raincoat.
Feel the rain dripping in my face while i stare at the sky.
Close my eyes and thinking about everyday.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Misinterpret

Sometimes people misinterpret our intentions. When we try to help, other people would think we have some other intentions. It goes the other way around too sometimes. We misinterpret other people... lots more I want to write about. But not tonight. Sleepy

Regrets dan Penyesalan of things that I've done

Banyak benda yang aku menyesal buat,
lots of things i wished i hadn't done.
Semua memori terlekat di ingatan ku.
Membuat aku menjadi aku.
Aku yang jahat dan aku yang baik.
Aku hanya mampu meminta maaf.
Tidak ada yang mampu aku lakukan untuk mengubahnya.

Jog and eat?? what?

Tadi pagi ke Tun Fuad pukul 7. For those who don't know what that is: tu tempat jog laa. So pi sana la. Tapi x jog. Jalan slow saja. Penat jugak la. Naik turun bukit. Stop sekejap pi tempat pushup, pull up, & sit up. Buat la sikit2 pastu tengok orang Tai Chi di arahkan oleh kucing hitam putih macam lembu. Seriously.. Pastu jalan lagi. Baru jalan sekali, sudah pi makan mee goreng & fishcake.

Drive ke Museum Negara Kota Kinabalu. Museum under reconstruction so daripada RM2 masuk jadik la RM1. Pusing2 memenatkan diri di taman pastu masuk ke tempat air cond iaitu: Art gallery: my kind of place. Ada pameran dari Sabah art group, V thinggy. X ingat laa. Go ahead and check. From 6 January to 22 January 2011. Pameran seniman2 yang melukis d Abandoned Building depan Suria Sabah.

So pastu drive lagi ke Wan Wan makan Tom Yum. Sedaaaaapp~ Balik rumah, tidur.. Malam bangun pi makan pizza... Atleast ada activiti la. Hahahaha stewpitt ^^

Chinese New Year dekat sudah

Dekat2 Chinese New Year ni lagu CNY saja on di shopping mall & supermarket. Mula-mula tu boleh la abaikan. Tapi x lama: termelekat jugak di kepala. Sampai ternyanyi sekali walaupun x paham. Ternyanyi-nyanyi, andthen tersuke plak. Last-last buat dance sendiri yang macam orang gila. Syok jugak la. Haha :-D

Andthen pikir balik CNY ni, aku ada jugak member cina. Jiran sebelah rumah pun orang cina jugak. Tuan rumah sewa pun orang cina jugak... Ramai pulak cina aa? Patut kah beli gift kasi dorang? Rasanya patut jugak untuk mengeratkan selaturahim konon-konon. Tapi duit xda. Sooo kemungkinan tidak laaa diberi~. Wat to do~

CNY ni banyak baju merah yang berjual. Cita-cita kecilku untuk membeli jacket warna merah pun belum tercapai. Patut beli ka? ... tapi ada sweater yang macam smart aku suka di Centre Point shopping mall... hurm....

Driven

Ntaaaah laa~ hidup
Kadang-kadang orait la~
Kadang-kadang boring
Kadang-kadang sedih
Kadang-kadang marah
Emotions ataupun emosi
emosi yang mengawal diri
emosi yang membuat hidup lebih menarik

Keinginan yang menggerakkan kita untuk maju
keinginan yang tidak pernah putus-putus
setelah satu keinginan dicapai, akan timbul lagi satu keinginan yang lain
keinginan yang tidak dapat dicapai menghilangkan semangat

hari ini aku kebosanan
hari esok tidak tahu pula
Keinginan menggerakkan aku
aku akan bergerak walaupun tidak mahu
mengangkat tangan dan cuba mencapai
keinginan
kegembiraan

Artisity is a hard life

Aku chat dengan MR.Comic d pesbuk. Haha ^^ 1st cakap2 pasal durang punya seni di bangunan terbiar depan Suria Sabah tu. Pastu mana dia kerja blablabla paham2 la.

Pastu masuk topic yang hidup seniman ni susah. Aku cerita yang aku secara terpaksa mengambil Diploma Mechanical in Design and Drawing aku. Dia cakap yang aku ada masa depan. Aku pun tanya la 'seniman teda masa depan ka?' .Dia jawab 'Gni ja la masa depan aku' ..

rasa sedih jugak la sebab dunia ni tidak adil~ ... Does it make me appreciate my work now? .. I guess a little. O_O ... Tapi aku masih lagi minat dengan seni~ walaupun seni aku skang ni agak kurang smart

Tengkiu tu MR.Comic

work to pay the bills

basically: I work for money. I need money for comfortness of life.

I keep going to work, so i don't lose my job

have to keep my job, so I could keep getting paid money

get paid money, so I could pay the bills

pay the bills of life. The bills I pay for the comfort of life.

contoh la: the tV's astro. The electric and water bills. The internet bills. The fuckin house rent.


Anyways I don't have lots of bills to pay. It's not much when you share the bills with friends (tho he pays for lots more). Share the things in life. But not everything laa~

Life is hard and painful. But the human instinct still sets us to strive to live, even if it does sux at times.

Poetry: from the sadness

at times..

i wish you all would understand

i would want all your joy gone away just like mine

want you to feel and suffer just as i am

to be alone, crying and screaming

but can't do anything

try and bare

lying awake in bed with pain in the centre of your body

wishing you'd cut open your chest, bleed, and die.

Just like trying to reach for the sun

Clubs and alcohol and people

Well I blogged before about clubs and alcohol and people before.

Well I totally went in the scene with a friend and watch the people there unintendedly.

The experience? I don't feel nothing. Maybe because I did nothing. So what people said about: someone that never clubbed before could go crazy clubbing: I think yeah, maybe... I never really clubbed before and I didn't go crazy. Didn't even really liked it. Didn't really met people that I want to meet. There were no sexual attraction as people say u would get.

A little relief and a disappointing.

Well about them being ugly personality. I still don't know. Some I think yes because we can find ugly personified people everywhere. I find it kinda disgusting to watch them. But I wanna keep an open mind.